In class this week we discussed how to communicate and the importance of communication in a marriage and family. We also discussed decision making models and which one will help you choose the best decision for the entire family. One thing we really focused on what the five secrets of effective communication from David Burns. For this post I want to discuss how to communicate, the five secrets, and the different decision models. I think this post and lesson is very important for all the learn and understand because it can help individuals to become better communicators. Now this does not mean individuals will become better communicators just by reading this post but as they practice the technique and model it can help them to more clearly communicate. But this does not mean that they will be the best communicator or a perfect communicator, it just means they will acquire the right skills to be a good communicator.
When people want to communicate, they first have to have thoughts or feelings about different topics. Part of the reason why communicating can be so hard is because it can be hard for us to understand our thoughts and feelings or to put those thoughts and feelings into words. The next thing that you do is you encode your message, or you formulate what you want to say. Then you pick the form of media you want to send it to the person in. Media in the case means the channel you want to send it in. The media could be talking face to face, sending nonverbal cues, sending a text, calling, sending a letter, using social media, etc. It is very important what media you choose to send your message on because misunderstandings could occur, especially through text and social media. Then the person decodes or interprets what you said and has thoughts and feelings on what you said. Then the cycle starts all over again with that person. This cycle seems like it takes forever when it is explained this way, but we do this in a matter of seconds. Words, tone of voice, and nonverbal cues make up our total communication. Can you take a guess at how much of each we use? Our words make up 14%, our tone makes up 35%, and our nonverbal makes up 51% of our communication with others. No wonder why people don't always fully understand us, or things can be taken the wrong way. Communication is a major part of marriage and so if we don't understand how to effectively communicate then it can cause marital problems. We need to communicate clearly with our spouse and have good intentions when communicating with our spouse.
The Five Secrets of Effective Communication made by David Burns aren't really secrets, but they are considered secrets because of how hard they are to do. Also, these secrets can be done in any order, but it is easiest to explain them in the order I am about to give them in. The first one is called the disarming technique which focuses on not being defensive and looking for the "kernel" of truth in the other person's statement and "pop" it into "popcorn." The second one is called express empathy which focuses on empathizing with them. The third one is called inquiry which focuses on checking for understanding and restating what you heard. These first three fall under the "E" (empathy) category. The fourth one is called the "I Feel Statement" which focuses on explaining to them how certain events make you feel rather than blaming them by saying "you always" and "you never." This can be set up like this: "When situation/event I feel/felt emotion, because thoughts. I would like hope/desire (the italic words are where you fill in the blank). The fifth one is called stroking which is about expressing genuine appreciation and admiration for the person. Now all of these steps are extremely hard because it means overcoming our natural tendencies and being extremely nice. This would definitely take a superhuman, but it is possible and is effective.
The last thing I want to talk about is the five decision making models. There is one model that is the most effective and can help couples and families achieve the best path for everyone. But each family and couple are different which means the other models might work for them. Families and couples might even use the mixture of the models depending on the situation and time. The first model is the compromise model. This is when you always meet in the middle and each person gets a little of what they want without giving it up entirely. The next model is when couples alternate taking turns choosing what to do. The next one is deferment which is when an individual always makes the other person choose or doesn't really have an opinion so the other person chooses. The fourth model is the home/income or divide and conquer model. This model is about splitting up jobs and decisions and the person with that job or decision solely takes care of it. For example, the wife cooks and takes care of the kids while the husband works and there is no overlap. The last model is the counsel model which consists of couples working together and talking about what option would be best. In class we discussed that you counsel together about what you perceive Heavenly Father would have you do and then ask Heavenly Father if what you perceived was correct. This model is effective because you are trying to understand what would be most beneficial for you, your spouse, and your family. When I say beneficial, I do not mean instant gratification but what would help everyone to grow and become better.
Communication is important in all aspects of life but especially in a marriage. Learning to effectively communicate with your spouse is essential.
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