Divorce, Remarriage, and Blending Families

Divorce, remarriage, stepfamilies, blending families, and all the struggles that follow is what we discussed in class this week. Which was the last week of my Family Relations class since the semester has now ended...it's a little bittersweet. I have enjoyed writing this blog and I hope to maybe continue it as I learn more things about the family. I have enjoyed all the topics we got a chance to dive deep into. The topic of divorce, remarriage, and blending families is a topic that hits home for me. I have a lot of opinions and experiences that align with the research that has been done and have observed some of the effects divorce has had on my own siblings. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my dad remarried shortly after that. I gained three new siblings and another mom that day. It was very difficult at first and I did not want to share my dad. But as time went on, I learned to love and accept them as my siblings and mother. I still had my biological mom who I loved, adored, and who could never be replaced, but now I had two moms to help me get through any of the girl troubles I was having. This may make my family sound perfect, like things go smoothly all the time, or like we don't have problems and strains, but that is far from true. It took time for the family to blend and we still struggle from day to day like any normal family. For this blog post I want to discuss aspects of divorce, remarriage, and blending families specifically guidelines for blending families.

The first thing I want to touch on is that there is a lot of misinformation out there about divorce and many get the wrong idea about marriage through that misinformation. The divorce rate is actually at about 24% rather than the 50% that we always hear about when people discuss divorce. Which gives people the idea that their marriages are doomed from the beginning and puts them in the mindset that divorce is normal and natural. Divorce is not normal or natural! Marriage is hard and it takes work but if you are willing to work with your spouse you can make it through anything that is thrown at you. So many people today have this idea that if it's broken throw it away and buy a new one. People aren't willing to work to fix things and instead are alright with having a starter marriage. It is views and ideas like that that make me sad for people. 70% of Americans two years after their divorce expressed that they thought they could and should have saved their marriage. Many wished that they had not gotten a divorce and tried harder to work through their differences. Now I do understand that there are times when a divorce is necessary, those circumstances include abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment. Divorce doesn't just affect the ones in the marriage it affects all who are around them, especially the children. That is why it is so important to work hard for your marriage and only go through divorce after thinking it completely through. Fireproof is great movie for this topic and I highly recommend all married couples watch it together, even if you are not on the brink of divorce.

After divorce many people get remarried which brings in a whole new set of struggles and problems. It creates a new family dynamic and brings new family members into the home. Remarriage could bring stepparents, step-siblings, half siblings, different rules, different house, etc. into the family and it can be hard for both sides to adjust. There are also those who don't get remarried after divorce and that comes with its own struggles and problems too. A single mom or dad try to balance work and being there for their children. But for those who remarry and bring children into that marriage it can be hard to blend families and for children to get used to their stepparent. It is a very hard thing to do and takes a lot of time and patience. I have watched my dad and stepmom try to figure out how to blend families and the struggles we have had throughout the years. But the great thing is there are guidelines for blending families. The first guideline is that you need to accept that is will take about two years to reach normalcy in the family. The next is that the biological parent should do all the heavy disciplining. The third is that the stepparent should be similar to an awesome aunt or uncle. This awesome aunt or uncle is not one that lets you get away with everything, but is one that loves, supports, accepts, and encourages you. They are also great listeners, give wise counsel, and let the biological parent know about anything that is going on. The last guideline is that the couple needs to counsel together and do so more often than other couples.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this semester and writing this blog. I have learned so much about the family and will continue to advocate for marriage and the family. Thank you for reading!:)

Parenting

In class this week we discussed different aspects of parenting. We talked about the purposes of parenting, the parent-child relationship, and Popkin's Problem-Handling Model. Along with those main topics we discussed how to be an active parent and create a good environment. Being a parent and having children is not easy and no one is perfect in their efforts. But there are ways we can be the best parents we can and help our children to be the best they can be. Raising children is nothing like training a dog. Extreme rewards and punishments do not help children in the long run. It only changes the behavior in the moment. For this post I want to discuss the purposes of parenting, aspects of parenting, Popkin's model, and punishments, rewards, and consequences.

The purpose of having children and becoming parents is not to have this cute adorable person to make your Instagram more popular. Because in reality life isn't as perfect as all of those Instagram and Facebook posts make it out to be. Life as a parent can be hectic and tiring, but it is full of so much joy and love as well. The purpose of parenting is to teach your children to become responsible, hardworking, and trustworthy members of society. It also helps you to refine those characteristics in yourself. The purpose is to bring joy to you, your spouse, your children, and other family members. It creates a sense of belonging, provides safety, and creates your own little world or community. The purpose is to create a support network (family) that will be there for each other through anything. "The purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare a child to survive and to thrive in the world they will live in." --Michael Popkin

As parents we need to take responsibility for our parenting and how we teach our children. We also need to be able to respond wisely (Response ~ Ability) to our children and to those around us. If we want our children to respect us, we need to respect them and show that we respect them. Children our smart and they have feelings. When you respect them, they will respect you and things will go smoother. As parents we should have our children's best interest in mind and love them completely. We need to let our children know and help them understand that. We need to learn to cooperate not only with our spouse but with our children.

When Popkin discusses the Problem-Handling Model he focuses on first discovering whose problem it is, the parent or the child's. Which is the person who cares or who is affected by the problem. As the parent we should allow our children to learn from natural consequences. Now lessons from natural consequences are great but there are times when exceptions come into play. The exceptions are if the situation is too dangerous, if it hurts others, or if the natural consequence is too far in the future. We also need to come up with logical consequences and the children should help decide on the logical consequence. Logical consequences are linked to natural ones, discussed in advance, involve the child, and are when then/if then situations. It should be followed through the first time and be something you are willing to follow through with. You should also give the child a second chance to do the right thing or what was asked. When approaching a child about a problem it is important to first ask politely, then use an "I feel" statement, and then use a firmer request if that doesn't work. It is important that through all of this you are encouraging to your child. You don't want them to fail and they should know that. Punishments and rewards only fix the behavior in the moment and doesn't help them to learn. It is also a way people manipulate others and what superiors do to get inferiors to do things. Logical consequences are the way to help your children learn and become responsible. Being a parent isn't easy but as we try our hardest, we can help our children to become the individuals they are meant to be.

The Importance of Fathers

For class this week we discussed the role a father plays in his family and his children's lives. We discussed the importance of having a father in the home and how it helps children. Having a father in the home can help boys to be less aggressive and girls to be less promiscuous. Fathers are good role models for their sons on how they should act and how they should treat women. Fathers are good examples to their daughters of how a man should treat them. Fathers help to guide and direct children and help to teach many valuable lessons alongside their wives. I have seen the wonderful influences fathers have on their children and I have also seen children who have been raised without a father. Now this post is not to hate on single mothers out there. I understand that due to unwanted circumstances the father of single mothers is no longer in the picture. Single mothers do a great job at raising their children and trying to give them the best life. But it has been shown that having a father present in the home helps children to become better citizens and people. Research has found that boys who grow up without a father are more likely to act out and be involved in criminal activity. It also has been found that girls who grow up without a father are more likely to have their periods sooner, be more sexually active at a young age, and become prostitutes. Fathers are so important and many think that men are not needed in the raising of children. If we want the best for our children, then they need to have good examples from their fathers. I know I am extremely grateful for my dad and all that he has done for me and taught me. Part of the reason I am who I am is because of my dad and the good influence he had on me while I was growing up. He helped me through many hard times and kept me on the right path. I have watched so many of my friends and family members grow up without a dad and I can see that it has affected them in some way even if it is very small.

I found a scholarly article pertaining to the topic of fatherhood that I will be sharing five important points from and I will put the reference at the bottom of this post. The first point that I found most important was that the article discussed that relationship between father and child is important to everyone, not just therapists and researchers. The reason why it is significant is because there are less and less families who have fathers in the home which affects communities, schools, governments, and the whole society. The second point is that when the father-infant relationship is positive in the first several months of the baby's life the baby is attached to both mother and father. This shows that infants love both of their parents equally and need both in their lives. The third point is that infants enjoyed the way their fathers played and held them more than when their mothers did the same. Fathers usually play and hold babies to have fun with them. Whereas mothers play and hold babies to teach and keep safe. The fourth point is that fathers play a huge role in teaching children the morals and values of society and help children to take on appropriate sex roles. The last point I want to discuss is that when fathers take more interest in their son's lives at a young age it helps them to develop appropriate sexual behavior sooner. 

I had many positive and wonderful experiences with my dad. He helped me when I was having boy troubles and helped me to realize when I wasn't being treated right. He taught me the value of hard work and that you should always do things with 100% of your effort. He told me he loved me and wanted the best for me. He supported and trusted me. He even learned how to braid hair and paint nails when my parents separated and divorced. He taught me how to be strong and fight through the hard times. I have seen my dad's influence throughout my entire life, and I see the influence he has on my other siblings. I am grateful for fathers and I hope many realize the importance of fatherhood.

Thanks for reading! I hope you have a great week and feel free to comment:)

Reference:
Lamb, M., & Lamb, J. (1976). The Nature and Importance of the Father-Infant Relationship. The Family Coordinator, 25(4), 379-385. doi:10.2307/582850