No More Dating...Hanging Out is the Alternative

In class this week we discussed attraction, dating, and preparation for marriage. I learned some new things and came to a realization of things that I have observed over the years as I have grown up. It was interesting to learn that the things pertaining to dating I saw occurring in my hometown were also happening throughout the United States. For this week's post I am going to talk about attraction, dating, the RAM, and other things pertaining to those topics. I liked being able to learn the trends of these different topics and why dating is so important throughout all ages and stages of life. 

I first want to discuss the laws of attraction and how it plays a role in those we choose to date or be friends with. The physical appearance of a person is usually the first thing that draws us to specific people. Now some people may think that is very shallow but, in all reality, if we didn't find a person physically attractive, we wouldn't work on getting to know them. It is literally the first thing we notice, and we can't help it since we can't see the intents and thoughts of a person. We even tend to be attracted to individuals who look similar to us and our family. Think about all the people you have dated or been attracted to. When my teacher asked us that I instantly thought back to those I had dated and realized that I dated many men who had similar physical attributes as my dad and brothers. My husband looks similar to me and my family. Along with being attracted to those who are physically similar to us we are also more attracted to those who are similar to us in general. Whether that is in religion, traditions, beliefs, personality, culture, etc. We are also attracted to those who have had common experiences as us and the relationship strengthens from being able to talk about that together. 

Now you understand how attraction works but then how do you know someone, especially enough to marry them. John Van Epp wrote "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" and uses the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) to explain the equation for knowing a person. He explained that you need togetherness (having shared experiences), talk (mutual self-disclosure), and time (minimum of 3 months to get to know a person) in order to know a person. The more of each one you do the more you will know that person. There are five parts of the RAM that help with bonding in romantic relationships, which are: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. With these five components it helps us to understand where the relationship is and if the relationship is good. The touch shouldn't be higher than any of them but especially know. If that is the case the relationship is more about the physical and not about getting closer together. This is what the RAM should look like in a healthy relationship and as know goes up the others will increase as well but never passing each other. 

The last thing I want to talk about is the decrease of dating (when I say dating, I am referring to going on a planned date with someone that asked you to go with them) and the increase of hanging out. When I was young, I always saw those who were in High School going on fun dates and going to dances and I could not wait to be 16. When I reached the age to go to Stake Dances (dances put on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for those 14-18) I was nervous but excited to be able to dance and have fun. Over the course of those 4 years I noticed guys asking girls less and less to dance and they even stopped coming. I even saw this happen at High School dances like Prom and Homecoming. What I noticed was that many girls and guys would rather be on their phones and thought dancing was too awkward. Many feared rejection and talking to someone face to face. When I reached age 16, I was so excited to go on all these fun dates but day after day passed and I still hadn't gotten asked to go on a date. What had happened to guys asking girls on dates and planning the dates? Going on dates were being replaced by hanging out with no real plans and with no specific person. The closer I got to Senior year the less people went on dates and the more they just hung out. Now not saying all guys don't ask girls on dates. There were many great guys who actually asked girls on dates and planned them. One of my favorites dates in High School was when I went paint-balling for a Prom date. Dancing and dating allow us to have practice for later in life when we are looking for a spouse. It helps us to develop communication skills and gives us the ability to push through awkward moments. The experiences we get from dancing and going on dates helps us in ways that hanging out will never be able to. Dancing and dating can help teach us how to have good clean fun and can help us know what traits we want in a future spouse. 

Going on dates is not only important for single people but for married people as well. I love going on dates with my husband and I especially loved it when he plans the date from beginning to end. The dates don't even have to be something elaborate. It is about the special set aside time we have to continue to get to know each other and have fun together. I encourage everyone to go on more dates whether you are married or single. Thank you and feel free to comment!

Website where I got the RAM picture:
https://www.codependencynomore.com/session16/