In class this week we discussed how to communicate and the importance of communication in a marriage and family. We also discussed decision making models and which one will help you choose the best decision for the entire family. One thing we really focused on what the five secrets of effective communication from David Burns. For this post I want to discuss how to communicate, the five secrets, and the different decision models. I think this post and lesson is very important for all the learn and understand because it can help individuals to become better communicators. Now this does not mean individuals will become better communicators just by reading this post but as they practice the technique and model it can help them to more clearly communicate. But this does not mean that they will be the best communicator or a perfect communicator, it just means they will acquire the right skills to be a good communicator.
When people want to communicate, they first have to have thoughts or feelings about different topics. Part of the reason why communicating can be so hard is because it can be hard for us to understand our thoughts and feelings or to put those thoughts and feelings into words. The next thing that you do is you encode your message, or you formulate what you want to say. Then you pick the form of media you want to send it to the person in. Media in the case means the channel you want to send it in. The media could be talking face to face, sending nonverbal cues, sending a text, calling, sending a letter, using social media, etc. It is very important what media you choose to send your message on because misunderstandings could occur, especially through text and social media. Then the person decodes or interprets what you said and has thoughts and feelings on what you said. Then the cycle starts all over again with that person. This cycle seems like it takes forever when it is explained this way, but we do this in a matter of seconds. Words, tone of voice, and nonverbal cues make up our total communication. Can you take a guess at how much of each we use? Our words make up 14%, our tone makes up 35%, and our nonverbal makes up 51% of our communication with others. No wonder why people don't always fully understand us, or things can be taken the wrong way. Communication is a major part of marriage and so if we don't understand how to effectively communicate then it can cause marital problems. We need to communicate clearly with our spouse and have good intentions when communicating with our spouse.
The Five Secrets of Effective Communication made by David Burns aren't really secrets, but they are considered secrets because of how hard they are to do. Also, these secrets can be done in any order, but it is easiest to explain them in the order I am about to give them in. The first one is called the disarming technique which focuses on not being defensive and looking for the "kernel" of truth in the other person's statement and "pop" it into "popcorn." The second one is called express empathy which focuses on empathizing with them. The third one is called inquiry which focuses on checking for understanding and restating what you heard. These first three fall under the "E" (empathy) category. The fourth one is called the "I Feel Statement" which focuses on explaining to them how certain events make you feel rather than blaming them by saying "you always" and "you never." This can be set up like this: "When situation/event I feel/felt emotion, because thoughts. I would like hope/desire (the italic words are where you fill in the blank). The fifth one is called stroking which is about expressing genuine appreciation and admiration for the person. Now all of these steps are extremely hard because it means overcoming our natural tendencies and being extremely nice. This would definitely take a superhuman, but it is possible and is effective.
The last thing I want to talk about is the five decision making models. There is one model that is the most effective and can help couples and families achieve the best path for everyone. But each family and couple are different which means the other models might work for them. Families and couples might even use the mixture of the models depending on the situation and time. The first model is the compromise model. This is when you always meet in the middle and each person gets a little of what they want without giving it up entirely. The next model is when couples alternate taking turns choosing what to do. The next one is deferment which is when an individual always makes the other person choose or doesn't really have an opinion so the other person chooses. The fourth model is the home/income or divide and conquer model. This model is about splitting up jobs and decisions and the person with that job or decision solely takes care of it. For example, the wife cooks and takes care of the kids while the husband works and there is no overlap. The last model is the counsel model which consists of couples working together and talking about what option would be best. In class we discussed that you counsel together about what you perceive Heavenly Father would have you do and then ask Heavenly Father if what you perceived was correct. This model is effective because you are trying to understand what would be most beneficial for you, your spouse, and your family. When I say beneficial, I do not mean instant gratification but what would help everyone to grow and become better.
Communication is important in all aspects of life but especially in a marriage. Learning to effectively communicate with your spouse is essential.
Saturday, June 29, 2019
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Family Crises and Coping
In class this week we discussed the different crises that can occur in families and how individuals and different families cope with those crises. We also discussed different stressors that can happen in a family and how that can affect a family. We talked about how some families can bounce back to their normal togetherness and love after a crisis but that it takes time. Many times, families experience a crisis and only bounce back half way or don't bounce back at all. For this blog post I want to touch on many of the things we talked about in class and explain the ABCX model.
I first want to define a few terms that we will talk about throughout the post. A family "trouble" is when the entire family is impacted by a crisis or stressor. A family stressor is something that puts strain on a family, but they are able to bounce back to normal. A crisis is something that mandates or creates problems or difficulties. Stressors in a family can be anywhere from putting blame on each other, feeling shame or guilt, death of a family member, or a miscarriage. Stressors that are most likely to lead to a family crisis are things like death in the family, unemployment, miscarriage, moving, etc. There are about 10 different types of stressor events which include internal, external, normative, non-normative, ambiguous, non-ambiguous, volitional, non-volitional, chronic, acute, cumulative, and isolated. Which means family stressors can be different for each family and the way they handle it can be completely different from another family. Not all stressors affect the family the same and some are worse than others.
When a stressor leads to a crisis it can be difficult to make it through and cope with what is happening. Some families cope and make it back to the level they were at and others stay at the level the crisis put them at. Some families even grow from the crisis and are at a higher level than their normal level. This all depends on how families react to the crisis and how they view it. If a family thinks they can make it through the crisis, turn to each other, and work to grow together then they will fare better after the crisis. Every family will have stressor events and will go through a crisis. There is no way to avoid it and it shouldn't be something to be scared of. If you work to cope healthily and turn to each other it will make your family stronger and you will be able to make it through the problem. As I think back to my own family while I was growing up, I can think of plenty stressors and crises. Although these stressors and crises tore us down for a little while we were able to eventually make it back to normal and even become better and stronger. I am actually grateful for the stressors and crises that occurred in my family because it helped me become the person I am today and helped my family to grow in love towards one another. Every family and individual are different so not everyone will do well with stressors and crises, but we can learn from past mistakes and learn to cope better and turn to family during our troubles.
I quickly want to explain the ABCX model before discussing healthy and unhealthy ways of coping. The 'A' stands for the stressor or actual event. The 'B' is the management through coping or the resources available and responses of the family. The 'C' stands for cognitions of problem or how the family views the event. The 'ABC' equals the 'X' which is the total experience. So, depending on how you manage through coping and how you view the event creates what kind of experience you get from the stressor whether it is good or bad.
The way we cope with a stressor or crisis will help determine what the outcome will be at the end of the event. Ineffective ways of coping are denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. Other ways people cope ineffectively is through the use of alcohol or drugs or other things that are used to "numb" or "forget" the pain. Effective ways of coping are taking responsibility, affirming the worth of yourself and your families, learning how to reframe, and finding and using resources that are available to you. When we learn to cope well, we can make it through the struggles we are dealing with whether they are individual, or family orientated.
When a stressor leads to a crisis it can be difficult to make it through and cope with what is happening. Some families cope and make it back to the level they were at and others stay at the level the crisis put them at. Some families even grow from the crisis and are at a higher level than their normal level. This all depends on how families react to the crisis and how they view it. If a family thinks they can make it through the crisis, turn to each other, and work to grow together then they will fare better after the crisis. Every family will have stressor events and will go through a crisis. There is no way to avoid it and it shouldn't be something to be scared of. If you work to cope healthily and turn to each other it will make your family stronger and you will be able to make it through the problem. As I think back to my own family while I was growing up, I can think of plenty stressors and crises. Although these stressors and crises tore us down for a little while we were able to eventually make it back to normal and even become better and stronger. I am actually grateful for the stressors and crises that occurred in my family because it helped me become the person I am today and helped my family to grow in love towards one another. Every family and individual are different so not everyone will do well with stressors and crises, but we can learn from past mistakes and learn to cope better and turn to family during our troubles.
I quickly want to explain the ABCX model before discussing healthy and unhealthy ways of coping. The 'A' stands for the stressor or actual event. The 'B' is the management through coping or the resources available and responses of the family. The 'C' stands for cognitions of problem or how the family views the event. The 'ABC' equals the 'X' which is the total experience. So, depending on how you manage through coping and how you view the event creates what kind of experience you get from the stressor whether it is good or bad.
The way we cope with a stressor or crisis will help determine what the outcome will be at the end of the event. Ineffective ways of coping are denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. Other ways people cope ineffectively is through the use of alcohol or drugs or other things that are used to "numb" or "forget" the pain. Effective ways of coping are taking responsibility, affirming the worth of yourself and your families, learning how to reframe, and finding and using resources that are available to you. When we learn to cope well, we can make it through the struggles we are dealing with whether they are individual, or family orientated.
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Intimacy and Infidelity
The topic in class this week was sexual intimacy and family life. Sexual intimacy is a very delicate and sensitive topic for many people. When discussing intimacy, we must approach it with the understanding that it is sacred and must be talked about honestly. For this reason, I will only discuss it for a little part of this blog post. The other thing that we discussed was the different types of infidelity and protecting your marriage from infidelity. These topics are extremely important for people to understand in order to have a strong marriage and work through difficult times. I think it is important to understand the differences between males and females especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. It is important to remember that a marriage and marital intimacy should not be about yourself but about wanting to serve your spouse and about togetherness with your spouse.
Sex is a way to bring children into this world, but it is also a way to connect with your spouse on many different levels (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). It can be a source of joy and an expression of love for one another. But it can be a touchy and almost painful thing for people to talk about or express. The world has made sexual intimacy out to be this dirty, scary, secret, and unrealistic thing. When in reality it is a sacred, special, beautiful, and pure thing when done in the right context (out of love and selflessness) and under the right requirements (marriage). When we truly understand that sexual intimacy is a beautiful thing, treat it that way, and teach that to our children then many wouldn't feel shame, guilt, and uncomfortable when they have sex with their spouse. It is also important to know the differences between women and men when it comes to what they need in sexual intimacy. Wives need to feel close, warm, and safe in order to want to have sex with their husbands. Whereas husbands want to have sex to feel close, warm, and safe with their wives. When both spouses understand that then more of a connection can form.
Now I want to discuss infidelity in a marriage and the four different types. When most people think of someone having an affair or being unfaithful, they think of sexual affair. But that is only one of the four affairs that could occur, and some people don't even realize that certain thoughts or acts are considered infidelity. The four types of affairs are determined through whether the attachment in the relationship is detached or attached and whether the involvement is emotional or physical (I will put a chart below to help you visualize this better). When a person is having an affair that is emotional and detached it is called a fantasy affair. In this kind of an affair a person has romantic thoughts about someone other than their spouse. This person they are fantasizing about usually has no idea that this is going on, could be someone they have never met, and even could be a fictional character. The fantasy affair is one that many don't realize is going on until they look back and realize their thoughts are centered around someone other than their spouse. Women tend to be the ones who are more susceptible to a fantasy affair. The next kind of affair is a visual affair which when an affair is physical and detached. This is usually something like pornography where they aren't directly involved with someone but are seeking physical release. Many people think that viewing pornography is something only men do (men do view it more than women) but women look at porn as well. The next one is when someone is emotional and attached in an affair which is called a romantic affair. The person in a romantic affair is romantically and emotionally involved with someone other than their spouse. It is as if they have another life and use this affair to escape their ordinary life. The last one is the attached and physical affair which is the sexual affair. This is the one that most people think of when they hear about affairs and it deals with a person having sex with someone who isn't their spouse. No matter what type of affair occurs it is still extremely damaging to a marriage and to each spouse individually.
The best way to protect you and your spouse from infidelity is by setting boundaries and rules with each other about the opposite sex. It is important to monitor your thoughts and remember to keep them focused on your spouse. Don't privately text those of the opposite sex and don't disclose deep personal information to the opposite sex. Don't drive alone with a member of the opposite sex and don't meet with the opposite sex alone. It is best to try and avoid these situations at any point and other situations that put you alone with the opposite sex. If you do get put in one of these situations talk with your spouse and be open and honest with them about things.
Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment!:)
(The chart is from an article we read titled "Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriages" By Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner.)
Sex is a way to bring children into this world, but it is also a way to connect with your spouse on many different levels (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). It can be a source of joy and an expression of love for one another. But it can be a touchy and almost painful thing for people to talk about or express. The world has made sexual intimacy out to be this dirty, scary, secret, and unrealistic thing. When in reality it is a sacred, special, beautiful, and pure thing when done in the right context (out of love and selflessness) and under the right requirements (marriage). When we truly understand that sexual intimacy is a beautiful thing, treat it that way, and teach that to our children then many wouldn't feel shame, guilt, and uncomfortable when they have sex with their spouse. It is also important to know the differences between women and men when it comes to what they need in sexual intimacy. Wives need to feel close, warm, and safe in order to want to have sex with their husbands. Whereas husbands want to have sex to feel close, warm, and safe with their wives. When both spouses understand that then more of a connection can form.
Now I want to discuss infidelity in a marriage and the four different types. When most people think of someone having an affair or being unfaithful, they think of sexual affair. But that is only one of the four affairs that could occur, and some people don't even realize that certain thoughts or acts are considered infidelity. The four types of affairs are determined through whether the attachment in the relationship is detached or attached and whether the involvement is emotional or physical (I will put a chart below to help you visualize this better). When a person is having an affair that is emotional and detached it is called a fantasy affair. In this kind of an affair a person has romantic thoughts about someone other than their spouse. This person they are fantasizing about usually has no idea that this is going on, could be someone they have never met, and even could be a fictional character. The fantasy affair is one that many don't realize is going on until they look back and realize their thoughts are centered around someone other than their spouse. Women tend to be the ones who are more susceptible to a fantasy affair. The next kind of affair is a visual affair which when an affair is physical and detached. This is usually something like pornography where they aren't directly involved with someone but are seeking physical release. Many people think that viewing pornography is something only men do (men do view it more than women) but women look at porn as well. The next one is when someone is emotional and attached in an affair which is called a romantic affair. The person in a romantic affair is romantically and emotionally involved with someone other than their spouse. It is as if they have another life and use this affair to escape their ordinary life. The last one is the attached and physical affair which is the sexual affair. This is the one that most people think of when they hear about affairs and it deals with a person having sex with someone who isn't their spouse. No matter what type of affair occurs it is still extremely damaging to a marriage and to each spouse individually.
Relational Attachment
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Types of Involvement
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Emotional
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Physical
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Detached
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Fantasy
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Visual
|
|
Attached
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Romantic
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Sexual
|
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The best way to protect you and your spouse from infidelity is by setting boundaries and rules with each other about the opposite sex. It is important to monitor your thoughts and remember to keep them focused on your spouse. Don't privately text those of the opposite sex and don't disclose deep personal information to the opposite sex. Don't drive alone with a member of the opposite sex and don't meet with the opposite sex alone. It is best to try and avoid these situations at any point and other situations that put you alone with the opposite sex. If you do get put in one of these situations talk with your spouse and be open and honest with them about things.
Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment!:)
(The chart is from an article we read titled "Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriages" By Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner.)
Friday, June 7, 2019
Wedding, Marriage, Kids, and Happily Ever After
For class this week we discussed weddings, the beginning of marriage, marriage throughout the years, and difficulties that could arise in marriage. I want to mainly discuss the patterns we create with our spouses and a few of the transitions that occur in marriage. I enjoyed the readings and discussions we had in class this week because it opened my eyes to things I need to be aware of as my marriage continues to grow and as we have children together. My husband and I come from different families who do things differently, so we have to decide what things we want to do or not do. Which is something that everyone has to do when they get married in order for things to work in a marriage and as parents. Marriage takes work and dedication, but it is worth every second to put forth that effort.
The first thing I want to briefly touch on is how much time, money, effort, and dedication we put in to making our weddings perfect. Most girls think about their dream wedding from a young age and start planning what their dress will look like and many other details. As they grow up their ideas become a little more realistic and less childish, but it is still constantly on their mind. If they use social media many girls will create a Pinterest board strictly dedicated to wedding ideas and follow all kinds of bridal accounts on all forms of social media. How do I know this is what happens? I know because my friends and I did just that as young girls and teenagers. We and many other women around the world put so much emphasis on that one single day and don't realize that there is a whole lifetime of marriage afterward. But that lifetime of marriage really should have more emphasis, preparation, and effort put on it. If we prepared more for the marriage itself, we might gain skills to better help us deal with conflict, communicate more efficiently, and work together through good and bad times. I know I put a lot of effort and thought into my wedding day and I wanted it to be great. I know I should've put more effort into preparing for my marriage, but I am grateful that I have an opportunity to take classes that can help me to be a better wife and mother.
The next thing I want to talk about is the patterns we create with our spouse. Although we may not have realized it then or even now, we create patterns with our spouse that start during courtship and engagement. We unintentionally create a pattern of how we make decisions together and solve problems. This is done through deciding what to do for a date or coming up with a solution when it rains on the day you were going to go for a hike. We also create a pattern of how and what we say to each other (communication). These patterns then carry over into the marriage and essentially stay the same. In the first little bit of marriage you also create other patterns since you now live together, and you are trying to mix your two lives together. These patterns could be anywhere from how you greet each other to if you eat at the table or on the couch in front of the TV. It is important to be aware of the patterns that are being created because some patterns aren't always the best and they can be hard to break out of.
The last thing I want to discuss is the transition from being husband and wife to being father and mother. This is actually a bigger adjustment than many people think. It is the biggest adjustment in a marriage for a few reasons. The first reason is there are expectations that we didn't realize we had before, like who will change the poopy diapers or who will get up in the middle of the night to tend to the crying baby. The second reason is that we are trying to merge our family backgrounds and deciding what we will and will not do. Another reason is the wife starts to change and grow into a mother trying to take care of the baby inside while the husband is left out of the experience. Moms tend to turn to other women who they can talk to and understand what they are going through. When really, they should be turning to their husbands and letting them be a part of every aspect of the pregnancy and birth. When husbands are involved it allows the marital relationship to grow and become stronger. The birth of a child is special and can be an intimate experience for the couple. Moms should encourage dads to come to as many doctors' appointments as they can and describe the different experiences she is having to him. When he is included in all aspects of the pregnancy, birth, and care of the baby the husband and wife are able to draw closer together and are less likely to experience lowered marital satisfaction.
Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment! :)
Saturday, June 1, 2019
No More Dating...Hanging Out is the Alternative
In class this week we discussed attraction, dating, and preparation for marriage. I learned some new things and came to a realization of things that I have observed over the years as I have grown up. It was interesting to learn that the things pertaining to dating I saw occurring in my hometown were also happening throughout the United States. For this week's post I am going to talk about attraction, dating, the RAM, and other things pertaining to those topics. I liked being able to learn the trends of these different topics and why dating is so important throughout all ages and stages of life.
I first want to discuss the laws of attraction and how it plays a role in those we choose to date or be friends with. The physical appearance of a person is usually the first thing that draws us to specific people. Now some people may think that is very shallow but, in all reality, if we didn't find a person physically attractive, we wouldn't work on getting to know them. It is literally the first thing we notice, and we can't help it since we can't see the intents and thoughts of a person. We even tend to be attracted to individuals who look similar to us and our family. Think about all the people you have dated or been attracted to. When my teacher asked us that I instantly thought back to those I had dated and realized that I dated many men who had similar physical attributes as my dad and brothers. My husband looks similar to me and my family. Along with being attracted to those who are physically similar to us we are also more attracted to those who are similar to us in general. Whether that is in religion, traditions, beliefs, personality, culture, etc. We are also attracted to those who have had common experiences as us and the relationship strengthens from being able to talk about that together.
Now you understand how attraction works but then how do you know someone, especially enough to marry them. John Van Epp wrote "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" and uses the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) to explain the equation for knowing a person. He explained that you need togetherness (having shared experiences), talk (mutual self-disclosure), and time (minimum of 3 months to get to know a person) in order to know a person. The more of each one you do the more you will know that person. There are five parts of the RAM that help with bonding in romantic relationships, which are: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. With these five components it helps us to understand where the relationship is and if the relationship is good. The touch shouldn't be higher than any of them but especially know. If that is the case the relationship is more about the physical and not about getting closer together. This is what the RAM should look like in a healthy relationship and as know goes up the others will increase as well but never passing each other.
The last thing I want to talk about is the decrease of dating (when I say dating, I am referring to going on a planned date with someone that asked you to go with them) and the increase of hanging out. When I was young, I always saw those who were in High School going on fun dates and going to dances and I could not wait to be 16. When I reached the age to go to Stake Dances (dances put on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for those 14-18) I was nervous but excited to be able to dance and have fun. Over the course of those 4 years I noticed guys asking girls less and less to dance and they even stopped coming. I even saw this happen at High School dances like Prom and Homecoming. What I noticed was that many girls and guys would rather be on their phones and thought dancing was too awkward. Many feared rejection and talking to someone face to face. When I reached age 16, I was so excited to go on all these fun dates but day after day passed and I still hadn't gotten asked to go on a date. What had happened to guys asking girls on dates and planning the dates? Going on dates were being replaced by hanging out with no real plans and with no specific person. The closer I got to Senior year the less people went on dates and the more they just hung out. Now not saying all guys don't ask girls on dates. There were many great guys who actually asked girls on dates and planned them. One of my favorites dates in High School was when I went paint-balling for a Prom date. Dancing and dating allow us to have practice for later in life when we are looking for a spouse. It helps us to develop communication skills and gives us the ability to push through awkward moments. The experiences we get from dancing and going on dates helps us in ways that hanging out will never be able to. Dancing and dating can help teach us how to have good clean fun and can help us know what traits we want in a future spouse.
Going on dates is not only important for single people but for married people as well. I love going on dates with my husband and I especially loved it when he plans the date from beginning to end. The dates don't even have to be something elaborate. It is about the special set aside time we have to continue to get to know each other and have fun together. I encourage everyone to go on more dates whether you are married or single. Thank you and feel free to comment!
Website where I got the RAM picture:
https://www.codependencynomore.com/session16/
I first want to discuss the laws of attraction and how it plays a role in those we choose to date or be friends with. The physical appearance of a person is usually the first thing that draws us to specific people. Now some people may think that is very shallow but, in all reality, if we didn't find a person physically attractive, we wouldn't work on getting to know them. It is literally the first thing we notice, and we can't help it since we can't see the intents and thoughts of a person. We even tend to be attracted to individuals who look similar to us and our family. Think about all the people you have dated or been attracted to. When my teacher asked us that I instantly thought back to those I had dated and realized that I dated many men who had similar physical attributes as my dad and brothers. My husband looks similar to me and my family. Along with being attracted to those who are physically similar to us we are also more attracted to those who are similar to us in general. Whether that is in religion, traditions, beliefs, personality, culture, etc. We are also attracted to those who have had common experiences as us and the relationship strengthens from being able to talk about that together.
Now you understand how attraction works but then how do you know someone, especially enough to marry them. John Van Epp wrote "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" and uses the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) to explain the equation for knowing a person. He explained that you need togetherness (having shared experiences), talk (mutual self-disclosure), and time (minimum of 3 months to get to know a person) in order to know a person. The more of each one you do the more you will know that person. There are five parts of the RAM that help with bonding in romantic relationships, which are: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. With these five components it helps us to understand where the relationship is and if the relationship is good. The touch shouldn't be higher than any of them but especially know. If that is the case the relationship is more about the physical and not about getting closer together. This is what the RAM should look like in a healthy relationship and as know goes up the others will increase as well but never passing each other.
Going on dates is not only important for single people but for married people as well. I love going on dates with my husband and I especially loved it when he plans the date from beginning to end. The dates don't even have to be something elaborate. It is about the special set aside time we have to continue to get to know each other and have fun together. I encourage everyone to go on more dates whether you are married or single. Thank you and feel free to comment!
Website where I got the RAM picture:
https://www.codependencynomore.com/session16/
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