Divorce, Remarriage, and Blending Families

Divorce, remarriage, stepfamilies, blending families, and all the struggles that follow is what we discussed in class this week. Which was the last week of my Family Relations class since the semester has now ended...it's a little bittersweet. I have enjoyed writing this blog and I hope to maybe continue it as I learn more things about the family. I have enjoyed all the topics we got a chance to dive deep into. The topic of divorce, remarriage, and blending families is a topic that hits home for me. I have a lot of opinions and experiences that align with the research that has been done and have observed some of the effects divorce has had on my own siblings. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my dad remarried shortly after that. I gained three new siblings and another mom that day. It was very difficult at first and I did not want to share my dad. But as time went on, I learned to love and accept them as my siblings and mother. I still had my biological mom who I loved, adored, and who could never be replaced, but now I had two moms to help me get through any of the girl troubles I was having. This may make my family sound perfect, like things go smoothly all the time, or like we don't have problems and strains, but that is far from true. It took time for the family to blend and we still struggle from day to day like any normal family. For this blog post I want to discuss aspects of divorce, remarriage, and blending families specifically guidelines for blending families.

The first thing I want to touch on is that there is a lot of misinformation out there about divorce and many get the wrong idea about marriage through that misinformation. The divorce rate is actually at about 24% rather than the 50% that we always hear about when people discuss divorce. Which gives people the idea that their marriages are doomed from the beginning and puts them in the mindset that divorce is normal and natural. Divorce is not normal or natural! Marriage is hard and it takes work but if you are willing to work with your spouse you can make it through anything that is thrown at you. So many people today have this idea that if it's broken throw it away and buy a new one. People aren't willing to work to fix things and instead are alright with having a starter marriage. It is views and ideas like that that make me sad for people. 70% of Americans two years after their divorce expressed that they thought they could and should have saved their marriage. Many wished that they had not gotten a divorce and tried harder to work through their differences. Now I do understand that there are times when a divorce is necessary, those circumstances include abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment. Divorce doesn't just affect the ones in the marriage it affects all who are around them, especially the children. That is why it is so important to work hard for your marriage and only go through divorce after thinking it completely through. Fireproof is great movie for this topic and I highly recommend all married couples watch it together, even if you are not on the brink of divorce.

After divorce many people get remarried which brings in a whole new set of struggles and problems. It creates a new family dynamic and brings new family members into the home. Remarriage could bring stepparents, step-siblings, half siblings, different rules, different house, etc. into the family and it can be hard for both sides to adjust. There are also those who don't get remarried after divorce and that comes with its own struggles and problems too. A single mom or dad try to balance work and being there for their children. But for those who remarry and bring children into that marriage it can be hard to blend families and for children to get used to their stepparent. It is a very hard thing to do and takes a lot of time and patience. I have watched my dad and stepmom try to figure out how to blend families and the struggles we have had throughout the years. But the great thing is there are guidelines for blending families. The first guideline is that you need to accept that is will take about two years to reach normalcy in the family. The next is that the biological parent should do all the heavy disciplining. The third is that the stepparent should be similar to an awesome aunt or uncle. This awesome aunt or uncle is not one that lets you get away with everything, but is one that loves, supports, accepts, and encourages you. They are also great listeners, give wise counsel, and let the biological parent know about anything that is going on. The last guideline is that the couple needs to counsel together and do so more often than other couples.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this semester and writing this blog. I have learned so much about the family and will continue to advocate for marriage and the family. Thank you for reading!:)

Parenting

In class this week we discussed different aspects of parenting. We talked about the purposes of parenting, the parent-child relationship, and Popkin's Problem-Handling Model. Along with those main topics we discussed how to be an active parent and create a good environment. Being a parent and having children is not easy and no one is perfect in their efforts. But there are ways we can be the best parents we can and help our children to be the best they can be. Raising children is nothing like training a dog. Extreme rewards and punishments do not help children in the long run. It only changes the behavior in the moment. For this post I want to discuss the purposes of parenting, aspects of parenting, Popkin's model, and punishments, rewards, and consequences.

The purpose of having children and becoming parents is not to have this cute adorable person to make your Instagram more popular. Because in reality life isn't as perfect as all of those Instagram and Facebook posts make it out to be. Life as a parent can be hectic and tiring, but it is full of so much joy and love as well. The purpose of parenting is to teach your children to become responsible, hardworking, and trustworthy members of society. It also helps you to refine those characteristics in yourself. The purpose is to bring joy to you, your spouse, your children, and other family members. It creates a sense of belonging, provides safety, and creates your own little world or community. The purpose is to create a support network (family) that will be there for each other through anything. "The purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare a child to survive and to thrive in the world they will live in." --Michael Popkin

As parents we need to take responsibility for our parenting and how we teach our children. We also need to be able to respond wisely (Response ~ Ability) to our children and to those around us. If we want our children to respect us, we need to respect them and show that we respect them. Children our smart and they have feelings. When you respect them, they will respect you and things will go smoother. As parents we should have our children's best interest in mind and love them completely. We need to let our children know and help them understand that. We need to learn to cooperate not only with our spouse but with our children.

When Popkin discusses the Problem-Handling Model he focuses on first discovering whose problem it is, the parent or the child's. Which is the person who cares or who is affected by the problem. As the parent we should allow our children to learn from natural consequences. Now lessons from natural consequences are great but there are times when exceptions come into play. The exceptions are if the situation is too dangerous, if it hurts others, or if the natural consequence is too far in the future. We also need to come up with logical consequences and the children should help decide on the logical consequence. Logical consequences are linked to natural ones, discussed in advance, involve the child, and are when then/if then situations. It should be followed through the first time and be something you are willing to follow through with. You should also give the child a second chance to do the right thing or what was asked. When approaching a child about a problem it is important to first ask politely, then use an "I feel" statement, and then use a firmer request if that doesn't work. It is important that through all of this you are encouraging to your child. You don't want them to fail and they should know that. Punishments and rewards only fix the behavior in the moment and doesn't help them to learn. It is also a way people manipulate others and what superiors do to get inferiors to do things. Logical consequences are the way to help your children learn and become responsible. Being a parent isn't easy but as we try our hardest, we can help our children to become the individuals they are meant to be.

The Importance of Fathers

For class this week we discussed the role a father plays in his family and his children's lives. We discussed the importance of having a father in the home and how it helps children. Having a father in the home can help boys to be less aggressive and girls to be less promiscuous. Fathers are good role models for their sons on how they should act and how they should treat women. Fathers are good examples to their daughters of how a man should treat them. Fathers help to guide and direct children and help to teach many valuable lessons alongside their wives. I have seen the wonderful influences fathers have on their children and I have also seen children who have been raised without a father. Now this post is not to hate on single mothers out there. I understand that due to unwanted circumstances the father of single mothers is no longer in the picture. Single mothers do a great job at raising their children and trying to give them the best life. But it has been shown that having a father present in the home helps children to become better citizens and people. Research has found that boys who grow up without a father are more likely to act out and be involved in criminal activity. It also has been found that girls who grow up without a father are more likely to have their periods sooner, be more sexually active at a young age, and become prostitutes. Fathers are so important and many think that men are not needed in the raising of children. If we want the best for our children, then they need to have good examples from their fathers. I know I am extremely grateful for my dad and all that he has done for me and taught me. Part of the reason I am who I am is because of my dad and the good influence he had on me while I was growing up. He helped me through many hard times and kept me on the right path. I have watched so many of my friends and family members grow up without a dad and I can see that it has affected them in some way even if it is very small.

I found a scholarly article pertaining to the topic of fatherhood that I will be sharing five important points from and I will put the reference at the bottom of this post. The first point that I found most important was that the article discussed that relationship between father and child is important to everyone, not just therapists and researchers. The reason why it is significant is because there are less and less families who have fathers in the home which affects communities, schools, governments, and the whole society. The second point is that when the father-infant relationship is positive in the first several months of the baby's life the baby is attached to both mother and father. This shows that infants love both of their parents equally and need both in their lives. The third point is that infants enjoyed the way their fathers played and held them more than when their mothers did the same. Fathers usually play and hold babies to have fun with them. Whereas mothers play and hold babies to teach and keep safe. The fourth point is that fathers play a huge role in teaching children the morals and values of society and help children to take on appropriate sex roles. The last point I want to discuss is that when fathers take more interest in their son's lives at a young age it helps them to develop appropriate sexual behavior sooner. 

I had many positive and wonderful experiences with my dad. He helped me when I was having boy troubles and helped me to realize when I wasn't being treated right. He taught me the value of hard work and that you should always do things with 100% of your effort. He told me he loved me and wanted the best for me. He supported and trusted me. He even learned how to braid hair and paint nails when my parents separated and divorced. He taught me how to be strong and fight through the hard times. I have seen my dad's influence throughout my entire life, and I see the influence he has on my other siblings. I am grateful for fathers and I hope many realize the importance of fatherhood.

Thanks for reading! I hope you have a great week and feel free to comment:)

Reference:
Lamb, M., & Lamb, J. (1976). The Nature and Importance of the Father-Infant Relationship. The Family Coordinator, 25(4), 379-385. doi:10.2307/582850

Communication is Essential in a Marriage

In class this week we discussed how to communicate and the importance of communication in a marriage and family. We also discussed decision making models and which one will help you choose the best decision for the entire family. One thing we really focused on what the five secrets of effective communication from David Burns. For this post I want to discuss how to communicate, the five secrets, and the different decision models. I think this post and lesson is very important for all the learn and understand because it can help individuals to become better communicators. Now this does not mean individuals will become better communicators just by reading this post but as they practice the technique and model it can help them to more clearly communicate. But this does not mean that they will be the best communicator or a perfect communicator, it just means they will acquire the right skills to be a good communicator.

When people want to communicate, they first have to have thoughts or feelings about different topics. Part of the reason why communicating can be so hard is because it can be hard for us to understand our thoughts and feelings or to put those thoughts and feelings into words. The next thing that you do is you encode your message, or you formulate what you want to say. Then you pick the form of media you want to send it to the person in. Media in the case means the channel you want to send it in. The media could be talking face to face, sending nonverbal cues, sending a text, calling, sending a letter, using social media, etc. It is very important what media you choose to send your message on because misunderstandings could occur, especially through text and social media. Then the person decodes or interprets what you said and has thoughts and feelings on what you said. Then the cycle starts all over again with that person. This cycle seems like it takes forever when it is explained this way, but we do this in a matter of seconds. Words, tone of voice, and nonverbal cues make up our total communication. Can you take a guess at how much of each we use? Our words make up 14%, our tone makes up 35%, and our nonverbal makes up 51% of our communication with others. No wonder why people don't always fully understand us, or things can be taken the wrong way. Communication is a major part of marriage and so if we don't understand how to effectively communicate then it can cause marital problems. We need to communicate clearly with our spouse and have good intentions when communicating with our spouse.

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication made by David Burns aren't really secrets, but they are considered secrets because of how hard they are to do. Also, these secrets can be done in any order, but it is easiest to explain them in the order I am about to give them in. The first one is called the disarming technique which focuses on not being defensive and looking for the "kernel" of truth in the other person's statement and "pop" it into "popcorn." The second one is called express empathy which focuses on empathizing with them. The third one is called inquiry which focuses on checking for understanding and restating what you heard. These first three fall under the "E" (empathy) category. The fourth one is called the "I Feel Statement" which focuses on explaining to them how certain events make you feel rather than blaming them by saying "you always" and "you never." This can be set up like this: "When situation/event I feel/felt emotion, because thoughts. I would like hope/desire (the italic words are where you fill in the blank). The fifth one is called stroking which is about expressing genuine appreciation and admiration for the person. Now all of these steps are extremely hard because it means overcoming our natural tendencies and being extremely nice. This would definitely take a superhuman, but it is possible and is effective. 

The last thing I want to talk about is the five decision making models. There is one model that is the most effective and can help couples and families achieve the best path for everyone. But each family and couple are different which means the other models might work for them. Families and couples might even use the mixture of the models depending on the situation and time. The first model is the compromise model. This is when you always meet in the middle and each person gets a little of what they want without giving it up entirely. The next model is when couples alternate taking turns choosing what to do. The next one is deferment which is when an individual always makes the other person choose or doesn't really have an opinion so the other person chooses. The fourth model is the home/income or divide and conquer model. This model is about splitting up jobs and decisions and the person with that job or decision solely takes care of it. For example, the wife cooks and takes care of the kids while the husband works and there is no overlap. The last model is the counsel model which consists of couples working together and talking about what option would be best. In class we discussed that you counsel together about what you perceive Heavenly Father would have you do and then ask Heavenly Father if what you perceived was correct. This model is effective because you are trying to understand what would be most beneficial for you, your spouse, and your family. When I say beneficial, I do not mean instant gratification but what would help everyone to grow and become better.

Communication is important in all aspects of life but especially in a marriage. Learning to effectively communicate with your spouse is essential. 

Family Crises and Coping

In class this week we discussed the different crises that can occur in families and how individuals and different families cope with those crises. We also discussed different stressors that can happen in a family and how that can affect a family. We talked about how some families can bounce back to their normal togetherness and love after a crisis but that it takes time. Many times, families experience a crisis and only bounce back half way or don't bounce back at all. For this blog post I want to touch on many of the things we talked about in class and explain the ABCX model.

I first want to define a few terms that we will talk about throughout the post. A family "trouble" is when the entire family is impacted by a crisis or stressor. A family stressor is something that puts strain on a family, but they are able to bounce back to normal. A crisis is something that mandates or creates problems or difficulties. Stressors in a family can be anywhere from putting blame on each other, feeling shame or guilt, death of a family member, or a miscarriage. Stressors that are most likely to lead to a family crisis are things like death in the family, unemployment, miscarriage, moving, etc. There are about 10 different types of stressor events which include internal, external, normative, non-normative, ambiguous, non-ambiguous, volitional, non-volitional, chronic, acute, cumulative, and isolated. Which means family stressors can be different for each family and the way they handle it can be completely different from another family. Not all stressors affect the family the same and some are worse than others.

When a stressor leads to a crisis it can be difficult to make it through and cope with what is happening. Some families cope and make it back to the level they were at and others stay at the level the crisis put them at. Some families even grow from the crisis and are at a higher level than their normal level. This all depends on how families react to the crisis and how they view it. If a family thinks they can make it through the crisis, turn to each other, and work to grow together then they will fare better after the crisis. Every family will have stressor events and will go through a crisis. There is no way to avoid it and it shouldn't be something to be scared of. If you work to cope healthily and turn to each other it will make your family stronger and you will be able to make it through the problem. As I think back to my own family while I was growing up, I can think of plenty stressors and crises. Although these stressors and crises tore us down for a little while we were able to eventually make it back to normal and even become better and stronger. I am actually grateful for the stressors and crises that occurred in my family because it helped me become the person I am today and helped my family to grow in love towards one another. Every family and individual are different so not everyone will do well with stressors and crises, but we can learn from past mistakes and learn to cope better and turn to family during our troubles.

I quickly want to explain the ABCX model before discussing healthy and unhealthy ways of coping. The 'A' stands for the stressor or actual event. The 'B' is the management through coping or the resources available and responses of the family. The 'C' stands for cognitions of problem or how the family views the event. The 'ABC' equals the 'X' which is the total experience. So, depending on how you manage through coping and how you view the event creates what kind of experience you get from the stressor whether it is good or bad.

The way we cope with a stressor or crisis will help determine what the outcome will be at the end of the event. Ineffective ways of coping are denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. Other ways people cope ineffectively is through the use of alcohol or drugs or other things that are used to "numb" or "forget" the pain. Effective ways of coping are taking responsibility, affirming the worth of yourself and your families, learning how to reframe, and finding and using resources that are available to you. When we learn to cope well, we can make it through the struggles we are dealing with whether they are individual, or family orientated.

Intimacy and Infidelity

The topic in class this week was sexual intimacy and family life. Sexual intimacy is a very delicate and sensitive topic for many people. When discussing intimacy, we must approach it with the understanding that it is sacred and must be talked about honestly. For this reason, I will only discuss it for a little part of this blog post. The other thing that we discussed was the different types of infidelity and protecting your marriage from infidelity. These topics are extremely important for people to understand in order to have a strong marriage and work through difficult times. I think it is important to understand the differences between males and females especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. It is important to remember that a marriage and marital intimacy should not be about yourself but about wanting to serve your spouse and about togetherness with your spouse.

Sex is a way to bring children into this world, but it is also a way to connect with your spouse on many different levels (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). It can be a source of joy and an expression of love for one another. But it can be a touchy and almost painful thing for people to talk about or express. The world has made sexual intimacy out to be this dirty, scary, secret, and unrealistic thing. When in reality it is a sacred, special, beautiful, and pure thing when done in the right context (out of love and selflessness) and under the right requirements (marriage). When we truly understand that sexual intimacy is a beautiful thing, treat it that way, and teach that to our children then many wouldn't feel shame, guilt, and uncomfortable when they have sex with their spouse. It is also important to know the differences between women and men when it comes to what they need in sexual intimacy. Wives need to feel close, warm, and safe in order to want to have sex with their husbands. Whereas husbands want to have sex to feel close, warm, and safe with their wives. When both spouses understand that then more of a connection can form.

Now I want to discuss infidelity in a marriage and the four different types. When most people think of someone having an affair or being unfaithful, they think of sexual affair. But that is only one of the four affairs that could occur, and some people don't even realize that certain thoughts or acts are considered infidelity. The four types of affairs are determined through whether the attachment in the relationship is detached or attached and whether the involvement is emotional or physical (I will put a chart below to help you visualize this better). When a person is having an affair that is emotional and detached it is called a fantasy affair. In this kind of an affair a person has romantic thoughts about someone other than their spouse. This person they are fantasizing about usually has no idea that this is going on, could be someone they have never met, and even could be a fictional character. The fantasy affair is one that many don't realize is going on until they look back and realize their thoughts are centered around someone other than their spouse. Women tend to be the ones who are more susceptible to a fantasy affair. The next kind of affair is a visual affair which when an affair is physical and detached. This is usually something like pornography where they aren't directly involved with someone but are seeking physical release. Many people think that viewing pornography is something only men do (men do view it more than women) but women look at porn as well. The next one is when someone is emotional and attached in an affair which is called a romantic affair. The person in a romantic affair is romantically and emotionally involved with someone other than their spouse. It is as if they have another life and use this affair to escape their ordinary life. The last one is the attached and physical affair which is the sexual affair. This is the one that most people think of when they hear about affairs and it deals with a person having sex with someone who isn't their spouse. No matter what type of affair occurs it is still extremely damaging to a marriage and to each spouse individually.

Relational Attachment	Types of Involvement
		Emotional	Physical
	Detached	Fantasy	Visual
	Attached	Romantic	Sexual

The best way to protect you and your spouse from infidelity is by setting boundaries and rules with each other about the opposite sex. It is important to monitor your thoughts and remember to keep them focused on your spouse. Don't privately text those of the opposite sex and don't disclose deep personal information to the opposite sex. Don't drive alone with a member of the opposite sex and don't meet with the opposite sex alone. It is best to try and avoid these situations at any point and other situations that put you alone with the opposite sex. If you do get put in one of these situations talk with your spouse and be open and honest with them about things.

Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment!:)

(The chart is from an article we read titled "Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriages" By Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner.)

Wedding, Marriage, Kids, and Happily Ever After

For class this week we discussed weddings, the beginning of marriage, marriage throughout the years, and difficulties that could arise in marriage. I want to mainly discuss the patterns we create with our spouses and a few of the transitions that occur in marriage. I enjoyed the readings and discussions we had in class this week because it opened my eyes to things I need to be aware of as my marriage continues to grow and as we have children together. My husband and I come from different families who do things differently, so we have to decide what things we want to do or not do. Which is something that everyone has to do when they get married in order for things to work in a marriage and as parents. Marriage takes work and dedication, but it is worth every second to put forth that effort.

The first thing I want to briefly touch on is how much time, money, effort, and dedication we put in to making our weddings perfect. Most girls think about their dream wedding from a young age and start planning what their dress will look like and many other details. As they grow up their ideas become a little more realistic and less childish, but it is still constantly on their mind. If they use social media many girls will create a Pinterest board strictly dedicated to wedding ideas and follow all kinds of bridal accounts on all forms of social media. How do I know this is what happens? I know because my friends and I did just that as young girls and teenagers. We and many other women around the world put so much emphasis on that one single day and don't realize that there is a whole lifetime of marriage afterward. But that lifetime of marriage really should have more emphasis, preparation, and effort put on it. If we prepared more for the marriage itself, we might gain skills to better help us deal with conflict, communicate more efficiently, and work together through good and bad times. I know I put a lot of effort and thought into my wedding day and I wanted it to be great. I know I should've put more effort into preparing for my marriage, but I am grateful that I have an opportunity to take classes that can help me to be a better wife and mother. 

The next thing I want to talk about is the patterns we create with our spouse. Although we may not have realized it then or even now, we create patterns with our spouse that start during courtship and engagement. We unintentionally create a pattern of how we make decisions together and solve problems. This is done through deciding what to do for a date or coming up with a solution when it rains on the day you were going to go for a hike. We also create a pattern of how and what we say to each other (communication). These patterns then carry over into the marriage and essentially stay the same. In the first little bit of marriage you also create other patterns since you now live together, and you are trying to mix your two lives together. These patterns could be anywhere from how you greet each other to if you eat at the table or on the couch in front of the TV. It is important to be aware of the patterns that are being created because some patterns aren't always the best and they can be hard to break out of. 

The last thing I want to discuss is the transition from being husband and wife to being father and mother. This is actually a bigger adjustment than many people think. It is the biggest adjustment in a marriage for a few reasons. The first reason is there are expectations that we didn't realize we had before, like who will change the poopy diapers or who will get up in the middle of the night to tend to the crying baby. The second reason is that we are trying to merge our family backgrounds and deciding what we will and will not do. Another reason is the wife starts to change and grow into a mother trying to take care of the baby inside while the husband is left out of the experience. Moms tend to turn to other women who they can talk to and understand what they are going through. When really, they should be turning to their husbands and letting them be a part of every aspect of the pregnancy and birth. When husbands are involved it allows the marital relationship to grow and become stronger. The birth of a child is special and can be an intimate experience for the couple. Moms should encourage dads to come to as many doctors' appointments as they can and describe the different experiences she is having to him. When he is included in all aspects of the pregnancy, birth, and care of the baby the husband and wife are able to draw closer together and are less likely to experience lowered marital satisfaction. 

Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment! :)

No More Dating...Hanging Out is the Alternative

In class this week we discussed attraction, dating, and preparation for marriage. I learned some new things and came to a realization of things that I have observed over the years as I have grown up. It was interesting to learn that the things pertaining to dating I saw occurring in my hometown were also happening throughout the United States. For this week's post I am going to talk about attraction, dating, the RAM, and other things pertaining to those topics. I liked being able to learn the trends of these different topics and why dating is so important throughout all ages and stages of life. 

I first want to discuss the laws of attraction and how it plays a role in those we choose to date or be friends with. The physical appearance of a person is usually the first thing that draws us to specific people. Now some people may think that is very shallow but, in all reality, if we didn't find a person physically attractive, we wouldn't work on getting to know them. It is literally the first thing we notice, and we can't help it since we can't see the intents and thoughts of a person. We even tend to be attracted to individuals who look similar to us and our family. Think about all the people you have dated or been attracted to. When my teacher asked us that I instantly thought back to those I had dated and realized that I dated many men who had similar physical attributes as my dad and brothers. My husband looks similar to me and my family. Along with being attracted to those who are physically similar to us we are also more attracted to those who are similar to us in general. Whether that is in religion, traditions, beliefs, personality, culture, etc. We are also attracted to those who have had common experiences as us and the relationship strengthens from being able to talk about that together. 

Now you understand how attraction works but then how do you know someone, especially enough to marry them. John Van Epp wrote "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" and uses the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) to explain the equation for knowing a person. He explained that you need togetherness (having shared experiences), talk (mutual self-disclosure), and time (minimum of 3 months to get to know a person) in order to know a person. The more of each one you do the more you will know that person. There are five parts of the RAM that help with bonding in romantic relationships, which are: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. With these five components it helps us to understand where the relationship is and if the relationship is good. The touch shouldn't be higher than any of them but especially know. If that is the case the relationship is more about the physical and not about getting closer together. This is what the RAM should look like in a healthy relationship and as know goes up the others will increase as well but never passing each other. 

The last thing I want to talk about is the decrease of dating (when I say dating, I am referring to going on a planned date with someone that asked you to go with them) and the increase of hanging out. When I was young, I always saw those who were in High School going on fun dates and going to dances and I could not wait to be 16. When I reached the age to go to Stake Dances (dances put on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for those 14-18) I was nervous but excited to be able to dance and have fun. Over the course of those 4 years I noticed guys asking girls less and less to dance and they even stopped coming. I even saw this happen at High School dances like Prom and Homecoming. What I noticed was that many girls and guys would rather be on their phones and thought dancing was too awkward. Many feared rejection and talking to someone face to face. When I reached age 16, I was so excited to go on all these fun dates but day after day passed and I still hadn't gotten asked to go on a date. What had happened to guys asking girls on dates and planning the dates? Going on dates were being replaced by hanging out with no real plans and with no specific person. The closer I got to Senior year the less people went on dates and the more they just hung out. Now not saying all guys don't ask girls on dates. There were many great guys who actually asked girls on dates and planned them. One of my favorites dates in High School was when I went paint-balling for a Prom date. Dancing and dating allow us to have practice for later in life when we are looking for a spouse. It helps us to develop communication skills and gives us the ability to push through awkward moments. The experiences we get from dancing and going on dates helps us in ways that hanging out will never be able to. Dancing and dating can help teach us how to have good clean fun and can help us know what traits we want in a future spouse. 

Going on dates is not only important for single people but for married people as well. I love going on dates with my husband and I especially loved it when he plans the date from beginning to end. The dates don't even have to be something elaborate. It is about the special set aside time we have to continue to get to know each other and have fun together. I encourage everyone to go on more dates whether you are married or single. Thank you and feel free to comment!

Website where I got the RAM picture:
https://www.codependencynomore.com/session16/

Gender

For this week's class we discussed gender, gender roles, and same-sex attraction. Today I want to mainly focus on gender and gender roles for this blog post. But I do want to make one comment on those who have same-sex attraction before diving into what I learned this week. Due to my religious beliefs I believe that a man and a woman should be together. Although I understand that homosexuality is real, and I still love and support those individuals. I know many people personally who have same-sex attraction and I still love them just the same. 

Now to begin the discussion on gender I wanted to start off with explaining that gender isn't always black and white. There are certain things that females tend to do and there are certain things males tend to do. Now that doesn't mean every guy or girl is the same and always does those specific things. Some females love to do more outdoor things or work on cars but that doesn't mean that they are any less female. Some males like to go shopping more or sit down and chat but that doesn't make them any less of a male. There can be some mixing between what males and females tend to do but those "stereotypes" or tendencies of each gender is what males and females tend to fall under. Many studies have been done to show that even young children tend to go to toys that have been made for their gender even when they are in the same packaging. Parents have even tried to make their homes a very gender-neutral environment and have noticed that the boys will still make guns out of everything and the girls will still nurture things they are given. My teacher told a story about how his sons would turn everything from food to barbie dolls into guns. And how his daughter would hold and take care of things like cars, fish, or other random stuff instead of playing with them how they are made to be played with. These examples show us that gender is known from a very young age, even without being shown how to act as a male or female. 

The difference between males and females isn't just with how they act and what toys or hobbies they choose. Males and females also think differently (there brains are built and hardwired differently) and things affect them in different ways. Men use more gray matter in the brain which is the information and processing areas. Women use more white matter in the brain which represents connection between things. This is why men are able to focus and think about one thing, whereas women can focus and think about more than one thing. Women are constantly connecting things together and the smallest thing can remind them of something entirely different. Men usually focus on one topic before moving on to the next. Think about it this way, men have tidy boxes about things in their brain that don't touch or cross. Men even have a nothing box where they are able to actually think about nothing. Women are unable to think about nothing and their brain is like a tangled-up ball of wires where everything is touching and is connected to each other in some way. This helps to explain why males and female are affected by things differently. I particularly want to discuss an article I read about how girls are more affected by social media when it comes to things like depression (I will put the link to the article at the bottom of this post). The article really hit home with me because looking back I can see how as a young girl I was affected mentally and emotionally by social media and seeing how social media is negatively affecting my sisters. The article discusses how social media can cause girls to have low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, dissatisfaction with their weight, and sleep poorly. There are many things on the Internet and especially social media that can hurt teens, both girls and boys.  

Thank you for reading my post and please feel free to comment!

The Article:

Evans, E. (2019, January 16). A new study says girls on social media are more at risk for   depression than boys. Here's why. Retrieved from https://www.deseretnews.com/article/900050972/a-new-study-says-girls-on-social-media-are-more-at-risk-for-depression-than-boys-heres-why.html?_cid=Email-1&utm_campaign=030190d3f7-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2019_01_17_12_00&utm_medium=email&utm_source=Deseret%20News&utm_term=0_2e4a89ae88-030190d3f7-585673229

Culture in the Family

From class this week I was able to come to understand many different people's point of view. I can't fully understand people's situations and their lives but through the lessons and readings I have gained new insights into other's family life. I have been able to see how social class and culture effect individuals and families. This week's class helped me to have more compassion on those who have a different life style than I do. It also helped me to have compassion on those who are trying their best to give a good life to their children but are dealt a rough hand of cards. I have gained more sympathy for those immigrants illegal or legal who come to the United States to give a better life to their children but struggle to get jobs, make enough money to support their family, and leave behind a life they had built and many of their family members. I have learned that it can be difficult for individuals and families to get out of the family cycle that has been in place for so long. 

Many people can be stuck and unable to progress due to their social class or the family culture that has been created over many years. There are habits or ways of doing things that can keep an individual or family from breaking that cycle and continuing on a different path. Even fear or uncertainty can play a part in not being able to create a new path and life. Now this doesn't mean that individuals and families don't have goals to progress and get better. It means that circumstances and the family dynamic we grew up in can shape how our lives turn out in the future. For example, we watched a video on a woman in the lower class. She lived in a trailer and had to walk to and from work, which took about 2 hours one way. She had two sons and one wanted to attend college and become a lawyer. Her goal was to one day attend college and become a teacher. She came from a family where her dad constantly had to work to support 22 children which meant they didn't have a lot of money. With her father being gone a lot there wasn't as much structure and now there isn't much structure with her own family because she is a single mother who is gone all day to help support her family. It is difficult for her to move up to a different social class and reach her goals due to certain circumstances. Thirteen years later we see that she is still in the lower class and struggles to support her family. Her sons both didn't finish high school and the oldest was never able to achieve his goal. She is still working hard to someday reach her goal but is kind of stuck. It is sad to see how hard she works and isn't able to reach her goal. Her family culture and social class keeps her in this never-ending loop.

This story is just one example of how social class and culture can shape you. Now there is diversity in culture and social class, not everyone falls under the stereotype. The reason there is diversity is because the family creates its own culture in itself. Family members choose what beliefs they align with and religion they want to be apart of. Families choose what is accepted or not accepted in the house. Family culture can be passed down through generations by children doing things that their parents did. It can also be created through the mixing of a husband and wife's different beliefs, behaviors, characteristics, and traditions. The family culture can be learned or created over time as children and different factors are added. For example, when my husband and I got married we started to create our own family culture from the things we had seen from our families (now we didn't know that that was what we were doing, it just happens naturally). My husband's family watched rated R movies and he was taught that it wasn't a bad thing. My family never watched rated R movies and I was taught that a prophet told us not to watch movies like that and we should follow the prophet. We agreed together that we wouldn't watch rated R movies because we wanted to be obedient. 

Culture and social class play a big role in the way are family is set up. Our families have a huge impact on us as individuals and on our future families. It is important to understand culture and social class so that we can better understand those around us and work on being less judgmental. 

Family Works Together Like a System

In class this week we discussed theories surrounding the family and one of those theories dealt with families as a system. For one of our assignments we had to draw a family map showing the different relationships between each family member. Salvador Minuchin used a family map to lay out the quality of interactions and boundaries he observed between different family members. It was interesting to take my observations of my how my family interacted with each other and decide if they had healthy or unhealthy boundaries. For some family members it was easy to determine the level of interaction they had with each other and others I had to think about for a while. Another form of family mapping is Genogram which does similar things and medical professionals have even used it to track and record medical conditions in families. If you are interested at all in making a family map just search "family mapping" in google and it will come up with how to do it and what the different symbols mean.

We went over four different theories involving the family which are: conflict theory, systems theory, exchange theory, and symbolic interaction theory. I'll briefly explain each, but I will mainly focus on systems theory. Conflict theory deals with someone being in control, having authority, and being influential. Conflict doesn't have to be a bad thing but it often times is. If we can learn how to correctly discuss and handle conflict, we wouldn't hate it as much. Exchange theory is the idea that if you do something for someone, they owe you something in return. If we are putting more into a relationship than we are getting, then we tend to leave that relationship. Symbolic interaction theory is the idea that you are shaped through the experiences you go through. The communication and interactions between people are symbolic. Systems theory is that each family member does their part and works with others to make things work together. Every family has their own set of rules and roles that influence the individuals and the family as a whole. Family rules are learned through observations, experiences, and feedback. Family roles can be placed on you naturally and sometimes you are expected to fill a certain role.

Within a system there are subsystems and that is the same for families. Examples of family subsystems are excessive or marital subsystem and sibling subsystem. There are things that are only discussed and shared between spouses where they decide what to share with their children. Sibling subsystems are those siblings who share things between each other but don't share with another sibling. These subsystems are created and depend on the type of relationship and interaction the family members have. Since a family is like a system, they all depend on each other and are all affected by each other. When one person is having a hard time or a rough day it effects the other family members because every member tries to help each other and carry part of the burden. In class there were four students acting as a family to show this in a demonstration. The four students held hands in a circle, and one would be pulled signifying that they had a bad day. As one was pulled the others pulled, in the opposite direction, on him/her to keep the "family" together. They helped carry and support each other like families should do. It is better to go through things together than to try going through things on your own. 

I hope you enjoyed this week's blog! Family is important and can be like our own little community. Please feel free to comment.